Commitment Comes With Fear
For the last four months of my life, I have been so confident that spending the majority of my summer in San Diego, learning about Jesus, is what I should do. Not only what I should do, but also how God is specifically calling me to spend my summer. I have had so much incredible peace about it the entire time...until this week.
This week is the deadline for actually committing to the summer leadership program down in San Diego, and once you sign that paper and say you're going, there is no turning back. You sign the paper, you pay the money, you learn about Jesus, and you have fun.
I have been putting off signing that paper these last four months, because it's easy to say that you're going to do something when there is no actual commitment backing it up yet. Once it was actually time to commit, however, my whole attitude changed.
I started doubting if this was actually the right decision for my life, and making stupid excuses as to why maybe it isn't. I already haven't seen my family all year, and if I go, I won't be seeing them all summer either. It costs so much money that I don't have yet, and I need all of my money to pay for college. I'm going to miss my friends. The list goes on. These stupid excuses started bringing unneeded anxiety and stress into my life, but really what they were saying, was that I wasn't trusting in God.
I texted my mom several times over the course of the week, telling her that I was about to commit and asking if she had anything else to say about it before I did. I was kind of hoping that she would say, "are you sure you want to do this?"and then list off reasons why maybe I shouldn't, but each time I asked her, she would say "okay! Go for it!" Which was not exactly what I wanted to hear. After my second or third time asking her this same question, she called me. She asked me what was going on, and I started listing off all of these excuses to her. What she said to me was simple: "Katie, Jesus first." She was trying to tell me that I was putting all of these lame excuses before following the Lord's calling for my summer, which was totally true. I was scared. Scared of not living a comfortable summer working at the same job I've worked at the last 3 summers, living with my favorite people, my family, in my tiny little town with my few favorite friends.
But you know what?
The Lord does not say "go and live a comfortable life doing what you always do!! How dare you think about diverting from your normal!!"
The Lord calls us to follow Him. Even if it is uncomfortable. Even if we are in a new place, with a new job, and with new people. Even if we are scared.
Because that fear, that stupid fear, is rooted in a lack of trust in Jesus Christ.
But He knows exactly what He is doing.
So give the ball back to Him.
And follow.
This week is the deadline for actually committing to the summer leadership program down in San Diego, and once you sign that paper and say you're going, there is no turning back. You sign the paper, you pay the money, you learn about Jesus, and you have fun.
I have been putting off signing that paper these last four months, because it's easy to say that you're going to do something when there is no actual commitment backing it up yet. Once it was actually time to commit, however, my whole attitude changed.
I started doubting if this was actually the right decision for my life, and making stupid excuses as to why maybe it isn't. I already haven't seen my family all year, and if I go, I won't be seeing them all summer either. It costs so much money that I don't have yet, and I need all of my money to pay for college. I'm going to miss my friends. The list goes on. These stupid excuses started bringing unneeded anxiety and stress into my life, but really what they were saying, was that I wasn't trusting in God.
I texted my mom several times over the course of the week, telling her that I was about to commit and asking if she had anything else to say about it before I did. I was kind of hoping that she would say, "are you sure you want to do this?"and then list off reasons why maybe I shouldn't, but each time I asked her, she would say "okay! Go for it!" Which was not exactly what I wanted to hear. After my second or third time asking her this same question, she called me. She asked me what was going on, and I started listing off all of these excuses to her. What she said to me was simple: "Katie, Jesus first." She was trying to tell me that I was putting all of these lame excuses before following the Lord's calling for my summer, which was totally true. I was scared. Scared of not living a comfortable summer working at the same job I've worked at the last 3 summers, living with my favorite people, my family, in my tiny little town with my few favorite friends.
But you know what?
The Lord does not say "go and live a comfortable life doing what you always do!! How dare you think about diverting from your normal!!"
The Lord calls us to follow Him. Even if it is uncomfortable. Even if we are in a new place, with a new job, and with new people. Even if we are scared.
Because that fear, that stupid fear, is rooted in a lack of trust in Jesus Christ.
But He knows exactly what He is doing.
So give the ball back to Him.
And follow.
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